1 out of 4. That's the statistic. They say 1 out of 4 women will experience a miscarriage. And I even read somewhere that 50% of pregnancies will spontaneously end in miscarriage.
These are crappy statistics. It's truly a miracle when a baby is brought into this world.
For me, the statistics are worse. I have been pregnant 4 times, 4 double pink lines and 4 due dates. 3 out of 4 of my pregnancies have ended in miscarriage and 1 out of 4 in stillbirth.
My miscarriages were early in my pregnancy, and for that I'm grateful. However it doesn't make it any less painful. According to this article, the "12 week rule" may be one of the reasons we don't talk about miscarriage more. The 12 week rule means you wait until you're out of your first trimester before you share the good news of your pregnancy. I see the appeal in that. But I can't help but think it's creating the "hush hush" mentality around miscarriage. Why don't we share the news of our pregnancies before 12 weeks? Because something might happen? Well, if something happens, it could be miscarriage. I know some people prefer to keep their lives private, but the mentality of keeping the news to yourself "in case something happens" feeds the attitude that it's easier to brush miscarriage under the rug and not talk about it. In my case, when something happened, I was glad I had shared the news with those close to me; they were and are there to help support me. (I do feel that every couple should share their news when the time is right for them.)
Miscarriage brings up feelings of inadequacy, failure, hurt, and lost dreams. I've had all those feelings. I've told myself, "you were barely pregnant." "It was so early." But that doesn't help. It's still a loss. A heartbreaking loss.
I decided to share our losses because I know I'm not alone. Many of my friends and family have experienced miscarriage, some in silence, bearing that pain and loss on their own, deep inside themselves. And sometimes even blaming themselves.
For me, I can't keep it to myself. I don't want to feel embarrassed or ashamed or guilty. It's what happened and it's not my fault, nor did I have any control over it. I only have control over how I react. The more open I am about my journey, the more support and comfort I receive from others. The community and compassion are exactly what I need to help heal my broken heart.
As disappointed and hurt as we are, we are just as hopeful and know that when the timing is right, our family will grow.
If you or someone you know has experienced miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Reach out to someone you trust and if it's right for you, talk about it. It's ok, it's not your fault, and there are many, many women who have walked before you and beside you through this journey.