an open heart.

I was cleaning up my files in my computer recently, and found this post in a word document.  I wrote this on June 20, right after finding out I was pregnant for the 3rd time.  As most of you know, the pregnancy I am referring to in this post was my second miscarriage, and happened a few days after writing these words.  IMG_3215

6/20/15

 

Today I found I am pregnant for the 3rd time.

 

Pregnant again.

 

This is what I have wanted for 3 months. To try again. We so badly want to add to our family. I have so much to give to a little one.

 

I’m mixed with emotions. Excited. Scared.   Emotions most everyone feels when they see those 2 pink lines.   It’s not fair to compare my feelings to others, but I do think based on my experiences and tragedies, my fear and anxieties may be escalated more than others.

 

My goal is to not make that the case. I want to approach this pregnancy with an open heart. What happened in the past could happen again. There is no guarantee that I won’t. But how can I not give this pregnancy the positive joy and outlook that it deserves.   This is a new pregnancy. One that will give us hope. Any joy beyond anything we have ever experienced. I am forced to believe that this one will be different. I have to let go of my past experiences and feelings tied to my miscarriage and my son baby David. I will always love David. He will always be my first born, my first son. His siblings will know they have a big brother. We will always celebrate his life, albeit too short, but still a beautiful life that gave us so much.

 

I will be a better mom because of him. Everyone tells you the feelings and love you have towards your own kids is something you could never even imagine. I know that feeling, but I don’t. I love David with my whole heart, but I never got to hold him right after taking his first breath, I never got to feel his warmth against my chest, hear his moans and coos, or feel his little baby snuggles. We didn’t get to form that bond between mother and child beyond the womb. He has taught me that life is too short not to do what you love. He has taught me that in one instant the way you thought about the world can forever change, thus leaving you searching for answers to questions you’ll probably never find. He has taught me to love without expectation, to take the time to foster my marriage, my relationships with my family and friends, and even my acquaintances. He has taught me that you can’t plan for anything. You can only live here in the moment and make the best decisions you can in each moment. He has taught me to enjoy the ordinary: the softness of a blanket, the sweetness of a hand picked strawberry, the warmth of the sun, the smell of a lavender plant, and the strength of my own body and mind.

 

I am so much stronger than I ever wanted to be. I didn’t want to lose Baby David. He was mine, and I his. But he’s gone. I didn’t have a choice. And I will never understand.

 

But now I’m given a new opportunity. A new life. A new hope. A miracle really.

 

I fully understand the miracle of having a child now. I knew it was special before, but now, it is so much more than special. It’s a miracle.

 

I promise to not take for granted any moment of this pregnancy.

 

I promise to do my best to treat this pregnancy as a separate pregnancy, not carrying those anxieties and fears from the 2 previous pregnancies.

 

I promise to love this baby with all my heart no matter how it turns out.

 

I promise to keep my heart open, knowing that I may get hurt again. There is so much unknown. There always will be. So I choose to relish in the moment, and take it a day at time. If I don’t keep my heart open, I will not allow myself to fully love and cherish this special time.

 

I promise to be the best mom I can, and support Dave in being the best father he can be.

 

I promise to let Dave be the Dad he wants to be, not judging if he does things differently than I would, but supporting him through it.

 

I promise to take care of myself in the best way possible.